“Had to find some higher ground
Had some fear to get around
You can’t say what you don’t know
Later on won’t work no more

Last time through, I hid my tracks
So well I could not get back
Yeah, my way was hard to find
Can’t sell your soul for peace of mind

Square one, my slate is clear
Rest your head on me, my dear
It took a world of trouble, it took a world of tears
It took a long time to get back here”

Square One, Highway Companion Tom Petty

By Ryan Hilligoss, January 9, 2024

After living 49 years and spending half of that building an adult life and all that entails, I am fully back to square one. It’s not a great feeling to live with everyday and try to sleep at night.

Both my mother and father are gone and my middle brother passed eight years ago. What was a family of five is down to two. When you are a kid, for most, you have grandparents, aunts, uncles, etc. Then one by one the layers start to peel back and now I am the parent and there’s no more layers between here and the end of the road. All that is left is the time to make of it what I will on my own. I stand at a crossroads searching each direction for a sign or a tantalizing view. A whole universe made up of family, friends, ties, geographical locations has evaporated into the ether.

My father has been gone for roughly two months, and since then I’ve come to a realization of how much of my world was taken up by his. Robert Hilligoss was a one of a kind, a human force of nature. When he walked into the room, he had a presence that filled the room. His big personality was the center of attention. The rest of us were just ancillary, character actors filling roles in the back ground. For most of my life I was bit player, watching a professional work his magic, tall tales, jokes and good times.

I was married for nearly 20 years and helped raise two beautiful, great children, a nineteen year old son and seventeen year old daughter. Now I’m divorced and have been single for several years. My son will be leaving for college in the fall and my daughter will be graduating from high school in May.

This is a long winded way of saying the life I built up until now is gone. I will always be the father of my children and take care of them as long and in every way I can, being for them in every way possible. But there are parts of my life that are empty and hollow to say the least. I’m back at square one, my slate is clear. It’s time to rebuild and make the second half of life something full of sunshine, care and love. I hope to see you up the road while I figure it all out, hopefully with some help this time. Someone to help carry the weight.