My family and I laid my father Robert Hilligoss to rest this past weekend. I wanted to share excerpts from the eulogy I delivered in his name for those who were unable to say their goodbyes in person.

—————

I saw a quote recently that really resonated with me, from the show Ted Lasso:

“I want you to be grateful that you’re going through this sad moment with all these other folks. Because I promise you, there is something worse out there than being sad and that’s being alone and being sad. Ain’t nobody in this room alone.”

And that is us. None of us in this room are alone. We are all here through the magic and the power and the glory that was Robert, Bob, Bobby Lee Hilligoss. He has brought all of us in this room together through the gift that was his life, his charm, his charisma, his laugh, his stories, his jokes, his dancing. Nobody here is alone. We all share the grief and the sense of loss of this man who Kevin and I were proud to call our father.

[Music: No Hard Feelings, Avett Brothers]

I played that song because I’ve learned this from my mom and brother dying. Any regrets you have about my dad, interactions, disagreements, things you wish you had done, let them go. He would want you to go on with life and be happy. It’s okay to look back from a historical point of view so you know where you came from, but don’t hold onto the past. It’s ok let it go….that’s his last gift to you. It’s OK, go and live and love and have a good time and most importantly, dance if you feel like dancing.

My dad was the hardest working person I ever knew. This is one of the reasons he couldn’t sit still for too long. Starting at a very young age he helped his dad on their farm and from there he never stopped. Some of the jobs he held throughout his life included:

Cutting broom corn in the fields around Humboldt, IL

Being a server at Burger King in Mattoon, where he invented the distinct calling of order numbers still in existence there, number 9!!!!!

Concrete pourer

Iron welder

Railroad fireman

JC Penney salesman during the summers when he taught at Divernon and Rochester

Coach

Teacher

Restaurant owner, Brown’s Chicken and The Shoe Factory

Charlie Parkers Restaurant, featured on Diners, Drive Ins

Quick N EZ stores in Springfield, cashier and The Iceman

Driver – Smart Choice Auto Sales, where he drove cars and generally made a nuisance of himself much to the delight of the gang who gave it right back to him.

Apart from all of the various jobs and careers he amassed over his productive and hardworking lifetime, my dad also was also known for breaking out with what can now only be referred to as “Common Bob-isms” which will color our memories of him forever. Some of them include:

“All hands forward aft. Stand to and man the firestep. Grab the brooms and mops and swab the decks…..It’s quitting time” I believe this is from a poem or movie but not sure. He would announce it often in class or around the house trying to be funny.

Mashed potato…bump bump bump bump……Anyone who spent any time around dad heard him exclaim this at random moments. Once when he visited us in Cortland, he decided he wanted to make real mashed potatoes for lunch. I had no potato masher so we decied to go to the store. I suggested Target but being the cheap wad he was he insisted we go to Dollar General. I dropped dad and Graham off at the front door to save him walking and went to park. Rory and I walked into the store and all I heard, from across the back corner of the room, 100 feet away was dad saying loudly, “Mashed potato, bump bump bump.”

His requirement that his coffee come in half cup increments, and only in a Styrofoam cup

My horrifying experience as a 10yo child of of having to pull off his boots, his socks and lotion his feet after work on a very frequent and unfortunate basis. Still traumatized from that one.

Hey grab my ankle and pull. After having fallen off a ladder and obliterating his ankle in 1995, he had no ankle on his right leg, doctors having fused the bones together, he would seek relief by asking me, Will at Smartchoice and any other fool willing to do it to grab his right foot and lean back proving some needed relief to the joint.

His memory was impeccable, almost eerie at times on exact dates, years, locations, who said what, how much he spent on jeans in 1957 etc. Uncle BS….

“Dad, where were you on Pearl Harbor Day, December 7^th, 1941?” (mind you, he was born on January 3 1942)

“I was in my mothers stomach. Mom had gone into contractions and thought she was giving birth. The doctor told her to go back home, false alarm. Mom and dad stopped at a diner on the way home and had cheeseburgers. It was 35 degrees that day with a slight breeze from North to South….”

Everyone in this room is likely to have their own Bob stories. Here are two more that define him:

1. He once took his dogs to the groomers, dropped them off and then went to the nearest bank to take a 3-hour nap in their lobby while he waited for the dogs to be done because he didn’t want to drive back and forth 30 minutes and spend money on gas. “Sir, can we help you with something?” “No, I am just waiting.”

2. This past summer during my birthday weekend, Dad and I took a road trip to Atlanta to visit friends. Dad stayed with Danny Proffit , while I stayed with one of my friends who lives there and another friend who flew in to meet us. Dad invited himself to join our plans (against our will but he would not take no for answer) and before we knew it, we were spending the day at the pool with Bob.

After a few hours, he asks me to take a video of him jumping off the diving board. This man is 81 years old. He tells me he wants to do this so that someday his grandkids will see that they had a grandpa who jumped off diving boards.

Jump 1 – the color drains from my friends’ faces. Jump 2 – they send panicked looks to me that clearly say “DO SOMETHING, MAKE IT STOP”. One of them asks nearby pool patrons if anyone has a medical background just in case. She marches over to the pool manager and quietly explains that we need her to make something up and get him off this diving board “What should I say?” “I don’t care.”

So, as he’s approaching the board for his third dive, the pool manager walks up and says “Sir, is this your last dive?”

“Why?”

“People are concerned”

“WHO? Who is concerned!?!?!?!?!”

Bob lived a full life. It comforted me to come across this short list the other day. The Five Regrets of the Dying are the anecdotal accounts of palliative care nurse Bronnie Ware and summarize the most common regrets she heard expressed by those nearing death, which included:

1. “I wish I’d had the courage to live a life true to myself, not the life others expected of me.”
2. “I wish I hadn’t worked so hard.”
3. “I wish I’d had the courage to express my feelings.”
4. “I wish I had stayed in touch with my friends.”
5. “I wish that I had let myself be happier.”^[14]

Living true to myself: My father never lacked for having courage and living the life he wanted for himself and those around him. He was never one to wait around waiting for others to make decisions. He always had plans for trips, conversations, people to see, calls to make, etc. He lived life to the fullest everyday, and he did it his way.

I wish I hadn’t worked so hard: As indicated above, Bob was the hardest working man I ever met and never was one to sit around. Always on the move.

I wish I had expressed my feelings more: This is the only one of the 5 I think pertained to him and he wished he had expressed his love and affection more. He was not much of a hugger to us in the family, and if so it was the classic mid western side hug. He didn’t say he loved us very much but he didn’t need to. We knew by his actions and the smile on his face.

I wish I had stayed in contact with my friends more: Categorically does not apply to Robert Hilligoss. Many of his closest friends were people he knew most of his life including classmates from Mattoon High School class of 1960, Eastern Illinois University class of 1964 and kids he taught and/or coached in school 50+ years ago. He was constantly in contact with his friends and family on the phone, on Facebook, in person, class reunions etc.

I wish I had been happier: False. He got to live a second life from the age of 74-81 after having stents put in his arteries in 2016. Not everyone gets a second chance at life, but he did and he lived it to the max, filling those days, weekends, and years with laughter, good times with family and friends, and lots and lots of dancing.

He was a fairly simple man, relatively speaking. But he was a complicated man. He loved unconditionally but had a lot of conditions. He wanted everyone to think like he thought and do as he wanted but he often times wanted to do his own thing.

He would say things that often times stung and hurt, but they were his terms of endearment. “Ryan, you’re fat and need to lose weight.” That was his way of saying he loved me and wanted me to be healthy.

In 2015, our brother sean died. The very first person through the visitation line was one of Sean’s clients at the probation department. She said Sean stayed on her butt with visits, work checkups, etc and if wasn’t for him, she would not be alive today.

We don’t know the full impact we have on the lives of others. We can either be a force of positive change in the lives of those around us, or we can be a force of negativity. Be careful with how you treat others.

Dad impacted the lives of countless students, athletes, employees, co workers and friends and family.

I’d like to share a note I got this week from Justin McQuality that illustrates this exact point:

”….Very sorry to hear of the loss of your father. He was a hugely important person in my life. He helped straighten me out in middle school and high school when I needed it. Literally drove me from school for more than a year of my life to help out me and my parents while they were going through a divorce. Just seemed like he always knew the right thing to say to make me believe in myself, and believe in my abilities.

I honestly don’t know if I would have made it where I am today without his support and I certainly wouldn’t be a coach without his support. Thank you to his family for sharing him with us all these years. As a coach, I know how all too well how difficult than can be sometimes. I will always remember him and his influence will live on through the years through the athletes I now coach because of him.”

One of the many friends I’ve made through my community of fellow Bruce Springsteen fans, Sarah Bee, shared this moving and fitting sentiment about Bob:

“Forces of nature don’t die. Parts wear out, bodies get retired, floating forever in echoes of laughter bouncing off wooden gym floors and metal rafters, like the hard earned felt banners decades of kids coached brought home. Every buzzer reminds us that as each moment ends, the next begins.”

Whitman Leaves of Grass, Songs of Myself verse 52

I bequeath myself to the dirt to grow from the grass I love

If you want me again, look for me under your boot soles

You will hardly know what I am or what I mean but I shall bring good health you nonetheless

And filter and fiber your blood

Failing to fetch me at first, keep encouraged

Missing me one place, search another

I stop somewhere waiting for you

I found this post Dad wrote on FB on July 19, 2020:

“I was having a short discussion of the meaning of life. They said there is none, they may be right, but there is purpose. We are here to help each other along the way, I don’t believe that we are swimming against the tides in a sea of despair. We are to give aid and comfort to our families. And to help friends and strangers as well. It is a purpose to find joy in our lives. It is not my objective to find misery in my existence. If our lives are in a personal cesspool who is responsible. Life is not complicated, it is simple. Enjoy it.”

“I am the master of my fate, the captain of my soul.” Invictus by William Ernes Henly

In our family, whether by blood, friendship or simple proximity, we grab you in and make you a part of it whether you want to or like it at all. We might not always get along and we have our moments of disagreement, but in the end, we have each other’s backs all day and all night. We love you, whether you want to be loved or not.

In some cultures, they believe you die three times: when you take your last breath, when your remains are handled, and when your name is spoken for the last time. May the name of Robert Lee Hilligoss live on for a long, long time through his stories, memories of his dancing, and through the smiles he put on our faces.

After John Lennon passed away, Paul McCartney went to the island of Monserrat to get away and record some music he was working on. He called his old friend Carl Perkins to come down and play guitar on a song. Carl spent a few days and the night before he was set to leave, a warm feeling came over him and he wrote a song called My Old Friend. He played the song for Paul, Paul abruptly stood up crying and ran from the room. Carl was perplexed at what had happened. Linda McCartney gave carl a hug and told Carl that the last words John said to Paul were, won’t you think of me every now and then my old friend. Sometimes there are forces in the universe we can’t see but can feel the push and pull of as we go about our daily lives.

For the last few years, every time we did anything, dad would say, “This could be the last time: we get a cup of coffee, this could be the last time I go dancing, this could be the last time I go to the family reunion. You never know when it will be your last time. Be good to each other, be good to yourselves. Enjoy every sandwich. Buy the good wine. Buy the concert tickets. Take that trip you’ve had on your list. Dance if you feel like it. And every once in a while, think about our old friend.

Earth received an honored guest, Robert Lee Hilligoss is laid to rest.

Music played during and after the service:

Intro songs:

Pilgrim, Steve Earle (5:30)

No Hard Feelings, Avett Brothers (5:20)

Terry’s Song, Bruce Springsteen (4:10)

Sweet Sweet Spirit, JD Sumner and Stamps (4:00)

Live Forever, Highwaymen (2:45)

Jay Opening Comments

In The Garden, Elvis Presley (3:00)

Ryan intro: Jaxon/Scott

Graham

Take Up Your Spade, Sara Watkins (2:30)

Rick

Mark Thornsberry

Jay- recitation,

My Father’s House, Ryan Adams (5:30)

Ryan, open to anyone who wants to speak

My Old Friend, Carl Perkins (3:30)

Kevin

I’ll See You In My Dreams, Bruce (3:05)

Jay Closing remarks, lunch announcement

Exit, song selections

Lovely Cruise

Life Is Beautiful

I’ll Fly Away, Allison Krauss and Gillan Welch

Can’t Help Falling In Love

Let It Be

Lovely Cruise

Life Is Beautiful

“Happiness is a journey, not a destination. for a long time it seemed to me that life was about to begin – real life. but there was always some obstacle in the way, something to be gotten through first, some unfinished business, time still to be served, a debt to be paid. at last it dawned on me that these obstacles were my life. this perspective has helped me to see there is no way to happiness. happiness is the way. so treasure every moment you have and remember that time waits for no one.”- Souza

By Ryan Hilligoss, November 4, 2023

The young family moved into their newly purchased home in June of 2006. A husband, wife, 2-year old boy and 2-month old baby girl. The house was built in 2002 but still seemed brand new on that day, at least in his mind. A small front yard, two-car garage, large fenced-in back yard for the two-year old and the soon-to come dogs to run around. Three bedrooms, a family room, a living room and large open kitchen with cozy dining area.

Furniture in the nearby rental van would shortly fill the rooms and art would be hung on the walls. The couch still inside the van would soon support the 2 month-old as she grew into a walker, holding on to the edges as she learned her way.

The house changed with the years. New patio pavers were added in the back, new concrete steps were replaced on the front and new landscaping stones curved around the flower bed. In the blink of an eye, the kids were 10 and 8. Endless whiffle ball home runs over the back fence for the boy and countless bubbles blown through a plastic straw for the girl, who laughed wildly as she spun around, popping bubbles with her small hands.

As the kids got older still, the husband and wife grew apart. The death of two parents, medical issues, long-distance support requiring frequent, long drives home to help care for a third parent all placed undue stress on everyone involved. This is how life runs good people who are simply trying their best to get through each day through a meat grinder, mashing the blood and bone down to fundamental atoms of existence, until they’re unrecognizable as their former selves.

Soon divorce became inevitable. The wife didn’t want the house. To keep a semblance of consistency for the kids in the only house they knew, the husband stayed behind. New paint on the walls, new carpet to replace the dog-stained old one, new kitchen table to start new memories over family meals.

Time moved on. The kids now shared two homes, and as they got older and began to develop interests and friendships, they spent less and less time at the house. It grew heavy with memories, and to the husband, it seemed as though ghosts filled the hallways and backyard. But he stayed, out of habit, out of what he knew and what seemed familiar, right or wrong, mostly wrong.

And now the house is home to father and son while mother and daughter live a short few miles away by car, but a galaxy away in other respects. The husband – he still thinks of himself as ‘the husband’ – remains alone out of self preservation, not wanting to take a chance, his heart locked up tight behind a friendly smile, glasses and an ever-present baseball hat.

Passing the time comes easily when working two jobs. What little downtime exists he spends listening to music, watching movies and reading books. There are so many books. The house groans with an ever-increasing number of possessions, but the man remains alone.

On reflection, it’s true that he came by it honestly in life, his mom forever collecting antiques, clothes and household goods until every room in his childhood home was bursting, slowly becoming a veritable museum of curiosities. But at this age, that’s no excuse for continuing to make poor decisions.

The weight of disappointment, regret and lost time is heavy, but as he has grown to learn from a bitter divorce, as well as the deaths of his mother, brother and former in-laws, life is too short even on its longest days. It’s too short to spend it wasting those remaining days holding on to the past, afraid of the future.

Filling rooms in an empty house with material goods doesn’t heal your soul. The man is finally learning life is much more than buying yet another book, more coffee mugs, one more souvenir t-shirt. He slowly..and then all at once, comes to an important realization. It’s time to declutter the house of unneeded possessions. Time, too, to declutter his heart and mind of a past that can never be undone.

It’s time to start anew, make better decisions, find the sunshine in life and let it shine on his face. Open his heart to the beauty of possibility. A house is not a home if there is no one to share it with, no one to care for. A house is not a home if there is no laughter and smiles and dreams to be made. A house is not a home without life and love.

Maybe it’s time to let the house go for a new family to make their own memories. It’s time for this man to build a home once again. May you all find the sunshine, find the soul shine, find the one who can help you heal the scars and help you learn to love again. It’s time to let the old ways die, to learn from the past and look to the future and to the possibilities that lie ahead.