Defining Moments: Dennis One Year On

I depart as air

I bequeath myself to the dirt to grow from the grass I love

If you want me again look for me under your bootsoles

You will hardly know what I mean,

But I shall bring good health to you nevertheless,

And filter and fibre your blood

Failing to fetch me at first keep encouraged,

Missing me one place search another,

I stop somewhere waiting for you

Walt Whitman, Leaves of Grass

Dennis Renner, Leroy Woods park, 40th wedding anniversary

Dennis Renner, Leroy Woods park, 40th wedding anniversary

By Ryan Hilligoss, June 16, 2013

“The only things you hold onto in life are the ones you let slip through your fingers.”

Kinky Friedman

The picture above may be a little out of focus, but it captures the subject in perfect form, as he was before he passed away a little more than a year ago. That is Dennis Renner, my father-in-law, my friend, as I picture him so often in my mind and in my memory: hands tucked under his arm pits(ala Mary Katherine Gallegher from SNL skits), white undershirt, checkered, short sleeve button down, grizzled beard, glasses, hair a little askew, and his head titled to the side as he listens to someone talk and with a slight, impish grin on his face like he doesn’t quite believe what the person is saying and he is about 5 seconds away from telling them they are full of it and to be quiet. The fact the photo is slightly out of focus perfectly fits the fact that as time passes and friends and family leave us, our memories of them become a little hazy and a little muddy in our memory, but the fact remains that we do remember them and hold onto what we have left. But there are a few moments in time that remain crystal clear and precise down to the exact details on the time of day, the weather, the location and who was present because they are indelible, defining moments in our lives.

(*Editors note: Yes Dennis used to stuff his hands under his armpits while listening to someone talk or watching TV, but unlike Mary Katherine, he didn’t smell his hands afterwards. At least not that I ever saw anyways. But I wouldn’t put it past him if he did. That was the kind of guy he was 😉

Part I: An opportunity at the door

Dennis’ health problems started about 5 years ago when he was diagnosed with thyroid cancer after he discovered a sizeable lump on the side of his neck. I think he knew about it well before he went to the doctor but was probably afraid of what it meant for him and his family and hesitated a little too long. He had surgery performed at Rush Hospital in Chicago by one of the leading throat doctors in the nation and the surgery went well even though the cancer had spread a lot further than previously believed. But the recovery period was very difficult for him, his wife Pat and his four kids, namely his youngest daughter, my wife Kimberly, since we lived close by, and Kim was frequently on hand to help clean the dreaded, uncomfortable tracheotomy tube placed in his esophagus to allow for breathing and ventilation. When things needed to be done including picking up prescriptions, taking him to the doctor’s office for appointments, and all the dirty work, it was Kim who got the call and made her self available when needed, regardless of the time of day, how busy she was with her work and family or if she was not feeling well herself.

As time passed and he finished his radiation treatments, he grew fairly healthy again and regained his strength and appetite. The relief was short-lived as Kim’s mother, Patricia, soon began to experience issues of her own, and Kim and Dennis were forced to make the tough, but necessary decision to place her in an assisted living facility due to her size and limited mobility. Given the fact his wife of 40 years was now not available to him on a daily basis, Dennis began to rely on Kim more and more for daily household tasks which placed an extreme burden on her and our family. Being the protective husband, I began to grow frustrated with his insistence to call on a whim if some mundane task needed to be done at the house and he called Kim for help when it could have waited for a short time, or him stopping by on a moment’s notice if he received a piece of mail he didn’t understand or didn’t know how to handle.

Tensions between the three of us began to grow last year when one day in May he stopped by our house to talk with Kim about his own health as he said he was not feeling well, despite the fact Kim and I were both busily working at home that day. As he came in the door, I was on a business call and after quietly nodding my head, I returned to my laptop screen to finish my call. He and Kim sat at our kitchen table and talked for a period of time before he rose from his chair and headed towards the door. As I sat close by at my work desk on another call, I heard his footsteps and could sense him standing in the doorway waiting to wave to me, but being the stubborn ass that I was and remain, I stayed put in my chair as he slowly opened the screen door and quietly closed it to avoid disturbing me. That was the last time he was ever at our house as he went to the hospital the next day to be admitted for breathing issues, from which he never recovered. As he stood by the doorway hesitating for a few moments that day, I had every opportunity to simply turn and wave at him to say goodbye, the simplest of human gestures, but I failed in every way possible in that brief snapshot of time.

Part II: What day is it?

Dennis was admitted into Kishwaukee hospital in Deklab, Illinois for what we thought we be a mere few days for breathing problems and was diagnosed with pneumonia and dehydration. As one day passed to the next, his breathing continued to deteriorate over the next week and a half until he was diagnosed with a bacterial infection in his lungs and was quickly placed in the ICU and was closely monitored by nurses and doctors. When his condition continued to worsen, it was determined that there were only two courses of action, both involving very powerful, high level antibiotics given intravenously. The first course was attempted, but doctors determined within a few days that his body was not responding as hoped, and there was only one other possibility, which was shocking given the state of modern medicine. In order to allow the opportunity for the second course to work and to allow him to breathe easier, he was incubated on a Saturday morning and put into an induced coma so his body could rest. He was left to slumber for a few days and then the doctors decided to bring him up from his sleep each morning to check on his natural breathing. Kim was by his side each day, every day knowing that despite the fact he was sleeping, he knew she was there.

On the first morning they woke him up, early with morning light, he opened his eyes in a fog of medicine and uncertainty. His eyes quickly locked onto Kim’s and his hand groped for hers and he asked what day it was, and as she replied that it was Tuesday, his eyes grew wide with shock with the knowledge that  as he lay sleeping those few days he truly had no sense of time passing. But to my mind it was more than that: yes he subtly knew that time had slipped away from him for those few days, but more importantly, his mind quickly understood that time had slipped away from him over his whole life, from being a boy, to a young man in the navy, to a young father, to middle age with four children and a wife under one roof, to a retired postal worker just now enjoying the benefits of free time and his hobbies, and now here he was in dire consequences. In that moment, I think he realized the enormity of his life and what his current condition meant for him and his loved ones. The doctors quickly determined he was not doing well on his own body’s volition and quickly returned him to an induced sleep.

Part III: Am I dying?

A few more days passed while his condition slowly grew worse as the clock turned. On the last day the doctors woke him up, it was not pleasant as he struggled with the tubes and other equipment that surrounded him and his chest heaved violently as his lungs tried to keep up. Without being able to see clearly, he still knew Kim was there and as he clasped her hand, he whispered his last words when he asked her if he was dying. Taken aback at the immensity of the situation and the question, and not fully truly knowing what was happening with his condition at the moment since the doctors didn’t really know either, Kim replied that she didn’t know for sure but the doctors were trying the best they could to help him and were going to keep trying. He nodded his head and squeezed her hands a few more times before he was taken back down into his sleep.

Kim sometimes has confessed she feels guilty from time to time in not quite being 100% honest with him in that split second of time and that she maybe robbed him of a chance to say something in the way of a goodbye, but how does anyone answer a question like that in that moment? Aren’t we all slowly dying, little by little, piece by piece, day by day? That question asked of her was truly a defining moment, and my beloved wife and the devoted daughter did the best she could under the circumstances and that’s all that anyone could ask. The next day, the doctors performed some more tests and determined his internal organs were beginning to shut down. The doctor reviewed his condition and the slim possibility of a recovery with Kim and Pat in the hospital room with Dennis sleeping a few feet away in his bed with the bright sunshine doing it’s best to peek through the drawn curtains. Knowing it was not going to get better, the family decided to stop life support that day after the rest of the family had been given the opportunity to come say goodbye. Life begins and ends in a moments notice and you never know what your last words or actions might be to those around you, so be careful with the moments you have.

Dear Father:

Native American author Sherman Alexie recently wrote, “We need to make the dead better people than they were, because it makes us look better for loving them.” I don’t need to make Dennis appear to be better than he was in life because he wouldn’t stand for it if he were here, nor would he do the same for anyone else since he was a straightforward, no muss, no fuss type of guy. Dennis certainly had his faults, but no more than most and fewer than many. He was a good and decent man who lived an honest, simple life. He loved and supported his family in every way he knew while enjoying the smaller moments in life: planting and grooming his vegetable garden, shooting the bull with the clerks at the local post office, bringing his grandkids an ice cream treat from Dairy Queen on Wednesday nights, or sitting in his hunting blind in the Wisconsin woods. As we ‘stumble through time, and in our wandering minds,’ we might often replay scenes from our lives over and over trying to think of how we could have handled them in a better fashion, but the truth is you can’t fix the past, the past will fix itself in due time. Our memories ebb and flow from clarity to haziness from day-to-day, but we still have the memories and hold those people close to us and share the stories with those left behind. So in a certain way, those people never truly leave us, since as Bruce Springsteen likes to say, “If you’re here and we’re here, then they’re here.”

Kimberly Rae Renner Hilligoss with her dad Dennis Renner, 1974

Kimberly Rae Renner Hilligoss with her dad Dennis Renner, 1974

Postscript

Below are some of my favorite  songs to help remember those who have come and gone and the impact they leave on us. Listen, enjoy and remember those from your own life.

10) Conway Twitty, That’s My Job

9) Ben Harper cover’s Springsteen’s My Father’s House

8) The Highwaymen, Live Forever. Lifelong friends Johnny Cash, Willie Nelson, Waylon Jennings and Kris Kristofferson cover Billy Jo Shaver’s great, great song…..”I’m gonna cross that river, I’m gonna live forever now.”

7) Jason Heath and The Greedy Souls- Ghost In My Home

To hear an excellent song that speaks to the heart of the matter, click on this link to hear Jason Heath and The Greedy Souls perform A Ghost In My Home.

6) John Prine covers his friend Steve Goodman’s My Old Man

5) Bruce Springsteen, You’re Missing. Written after the 9/11 tragedy and written for all the spouses and children left after their loved ones went missing in the towers. Taken from Saturday Night Live rehearsal performance 2002.

4) The Counting Crows, We Will Come Around

Have you seen the little pieces of the people we have been?

Little pieces blowing gently on the wind/Little pieces slowly settling on the waves

I’m one of a million pieces fallen on the ground

It’s one of the reasons when we say goodbye

We’ll still come around/We will come around

3) Randy Newman, I Miss You. From his Bad Love album, 1998. One of the few times he is not being ironic.

2) John Mellencamp, Life Is Short(Even In It’s Longest Day)

1)Steve Earle, Remember Me, from The Low Highway album. Written for his autistic son as a way of communication long after the song writer is gone.

Songs of the Week: Satellite Radio and Radio Nowhere

Steve Earle and Bruce Springsteen are very similar artists in many ways including lyrical styles, wide-ranging musical influences, and the content and meaning of their work. While Springsteen’s recording career started with Greetings From Asbury Park in 1973, Earle began as a song writer in Nashville before releasing his first studio album in 1982,  Pink and Black.

The above songs were released within weeks of each other, Earle’s Satellite Radio was released on Washington Square Serenade on September 25, 2007, and Springsteen’s Radio Nowhere was released on Magic on October 2, 2007. Earle’s song uses loop beats and samples that drive the song along while he asks, “Is there anyone out there listening/One, two, three/On the satellite radio?” Springsteen’s song asks a similar question while using a hard-driving rock sound, “This is radio nowhere, is there anyone alive out there?” This line is a classic Springsteen call and response from his concerts when he demands to know from the audience, “Is there anyone alive out there tonight?” After which the crowd responds with a hearty roar.

While in 2007, the idea and popularity of satellite radio such as Sirius/XM was new to many people, what is ironic is that both artists have their own entrenched places “spinnin’ around a dead dial’ as Springsteen has his own channel, E Street Radio, Channel 20 on Sirius/XM, and Earle has his own show, The Steve Earle Hour: Hardcore Troubadour Radio on Outlaw Country, Sirius/XM 60 which plays on Saturday nights, 8 pm central. Both  songs ask the eternal question of artists down through time:

At the galaxy’s end where the stars burn bright

Are you tunin’ in and turnin’ on?

Is there anybody listening to the earth tonight

On the satellite radio?

No Surrender: Ryan Chalmers Keeps Pushin’ ‘Til It’s Understood

Ryan Chalmers Pushes Across America

Ryan Chalmers Pushes Across America

By Ryan Hilligoss, May 22, 2013

“Life shrinks or expands in proportion to one’s courage,” Anais Nin once wrote. If that is true, then Ryan Chalmers is a man with a never-ending world of possibilities before him. For Ryan is man of fiery courage, a man on a mission as he pushes across America, carrying a message of hope, courage, determination and the invincibility of the human spirit. Ryan is a world-class athlete who does more on wheels everyday than most people do with two feet. He is spreading his message from his racing chair one spin of the wheels, one mile, and one state at a time. His message comes across loud and clear in both actions and words, “Disability or not, if you are passionate about something and you set a goal for yourself, you can achieve anything.”

Ryan Chalmer's hands after a hard day's push

Ryan Chalmer’s hands after a hard day’s push

Ryan’s current journey started on April 6th in Los Angeles and will end June 15th after rolling through Central Park in New York City, but only after pushing himself 3,400 miles across America, on average 60 miles a day, through hundreds of towns and cities and 14 states and the District of Columbia, with a mission to raise awareness for the potential of all persons with disabilities and giving back to Stay-Focused, a non-profit organization that helps teens with physical disabilities. The organization has been a big part of his life and one that he deeply supports and believes in.

Ryan is travelling across the country with a support team, including Stay-Focused founder Roger Muller who says, “We have a support team of 6 people, and now we have two more who are filming this and want to make a documentary of it. We’ve had cameras stuck in our faces every day and it feels like we are filming a reality series. The amazing thing is he pushed 35 miles today, and then afterwards we drove back in the support vehicle at 50 miles an hour and it took about 30 minutes, but he pushed the whole thing in his chair with no gears. He is just pushing and pushing down the road . This is a huge challenge and Ryan has done very well.”

On the road, Ryan Chalmers and Roger Muller

On the road, Ryan Chalmers and Roger Muller

On the day I talked to Ryan a few weeks ago, he had pushed 67 miles through Navajo territory in northern Arizona and was headed towards Colorado and the Rocky Mountains. The elements that really bother him are elevation, some as much as 22% incline, wind, rain and heat. He much prefers pushing in a cool environment because the heat messes with his head. According to Muller, ” He’s never questioned his ability to do it from a physical standpoint, but he said it’s a mental game, the ability dig deep when he has to. We were in Death Valley and it took him 7 hours to push 13 miles. And when he got the seven mile point, he thought he had 3 miles left and when he found out he had 6 miles he hit a mental wall. He stopped, got out of his chair, went into the RV and had a drink and a snack and refocused. And then I walked the remaining miles with him. But he’s a tough, amazing guy.”

Ryan and the Push Across America team, Utah

‘There’s a dark cloud rising from the desert floor’, Ryan and the Push Across America team in Utah

Ryan was born in upstate New York with spina bifida and has never had complete use of his legs. Beginning at a young age, Ryan played sports, focusing on basketball and track. He learned to scuba dive with Stay-Focused in the Cayman Islands and became a certified PADI scuba instructor. Eventually, he found his way to the Land of Lincoln to attend the University of Illinois in Champaign due to the school’s educational reputation and, more importantly, the university’s wheelchair track and basketball programs, only one of two schools in the country with those programs. Ryan earned a degree in sports management in 2011, while simultaneously preparing himself for theParalympics. In the summer of 2012, Ryan was one of ten Stay-Focused alumni to travel to London and represent the United States as members of Team USA in the Paralympic Games where he competed in the 400 meter, 800 meter, 4×4 relay and marathon races.

Ryan Chalmers, 2012 Paralympics, London

Ryan Chalmers, 2012 Paralympics, London

The idea of a journey across the country to raise awareness was a natural extension of his training for the Paralympics and everything he had been doing up until that point in his life. According to Ryan, training for this journey was relatively close to training for the Paralympics, “There is a lot of mental work with 75% of the battle being mental and 25% physical. I felt recovered from the games and felt prepared for the Push Across America. I worked in the roller room and did some lifting to increase my pushing capacity, and did some 30 milers outside. Due to the racing chair design, there is a lot of pressure and pain on my legs. Now that I have 500 miles or more under my belt, my shoulders are sore but I am happy with what we have done so far.”

Ryan Chalmers pushes Across America and into The Land of Lincoln

Ryan Chalmers pushes Across America and into The Land of Lincoln

During the past week, Ryan passed the halfway point as he pushed across Kansas and Missouri and is currently crossing Illinois with a stop on his home turf of Champaign on Wednesday where he will be reunited with some of his training partners, friends and faculty at the University of Illinois. According to Ryan, the reaction of the public throughout his trek has greatly helped him dig deep and stay focused on the task at hand, ” We are getting great responses on Facebook and twitter which provide great morale. Our purpose is to raise awareness for people with disabilities and it looks like we are accomplishing that based on the responses we are getting which is phenomenal. On the road, we are seeing people clapping and hearing people honking. We were worried about backing up traffic behind us but people have been waving and smiling as they pass. It definitely helps you to get through the hard times in a day.”

When asked what keeps him motivated during the rough times, Ryan reflected for a moment and stated, “Thinking about the reason I started the journey in the first place, I’m really doing it for the organization and to raise awareness. It’s great to know that those things are being accomplished. When I’m going really slow or there’s a huge head wind or rain or something like that, you just stop and think of why you started this journey in the first place. And then your mind stops wandering and you are OK for the day.”

In the end, the message that Ryan is imparting to those willing and able to listen is this, “Never give up, stay focused. Find what you are passionate about, set a goal for yourself and just go and get it. That’s what is so great about the Push Across America campaign all long the way. Yes it is difficult. There are long days, 12 hour days, but I’m passionate about what I am doing. I get to put my passion for wheel chair racing and the organization together and do something great.”

Thomas Paine long ago said that we have it in our powers to begin the world over again. And while I may only partially agree, I believe that sometimes, very special people have the power in their hands to spread a message and touch the hearts and minds of others. Ryan Chalmers is one of those as he spreads his message one spin of his wheels, one day, one month, one state and one journey at a time. He’s not going to retreat, he’s not going to surrender, and he’s going to keep pushing until it’s understood ‘from California to the New York islands.’ Keep on pushing Ryan Chalmers, America is listening.

Further information is available on the below links for both Push Across America and Stay-Focused. As you read above, he enjoys all the support the team can get including cheering along the way, so you can monitor his progress on the map in their website and plan to come down to see him in person if he comes close to your town. You can also follow Ryan on his journey through Facebook and twitter.

Push Across America

Stay-Focused

Ryan Chalmers pushes past the ghost of Mark Twain, Hannibal, Mo

Ryan Chalmers pushes past the ghost of Mark Twain, Hannibal, Mo

For Kenny Jones, MHS Class of 1960

For Kenny and Leagene Jones, Centralia, Illinois

Mattoon High School class of 1960 group shot, Bob Hilligoss 60th birthday party, 2002, Godfrey, Il

Mattoon High School class of 1960 group shot, Bob Hilligoss 60th birthday party, 2002, Godfrey, Il

 

“I can’t. I can’t go on. It goes so fast. We don’t have time to look at one another. I didn’t realize. So all that was going on and we never noticed. Take me back- up the hill- to my grave. But first: wait! One more look. Good-by, Good-by, world. Good-by, Grover’s Corners…Mama and Papa. Good-by to clocks ticking…and Mama’s sunflowers. And food and coffee. And new-ironed dresses and hot baths…and sleeping and waking up. Oh, earth, you’re too wonderful for anybody to realize you.” character of Emily Webb speaking in Thornton Wilder‘s Our Town.

 

By Ryan Hilligoss, May 18th, 2013

I have never been much of a social person due to my inherent shyness, personality and own faults. But throughout my life, I have been fortunate to be blessed with extended friends of my family. Friends of my brothers and father and mother have been my friends by default, more so than on my own merits. But I have been lucky to have gotten to know a lot of people over time through my parents including their own social circles, fellow teachers and ex students of my father and some of their high school friends. It is a testament to their generation that I have known so many decent, kind and generous people who went out of their way to treat me as an equal and to take the time and effort to get to know me. So my thoughts and concerns turn to the family of my father’s classmate Kenny Jones, Mattoon High School class of 1960, who passed away last week, preceded by his beautiful and kind wife, Leagene King Jones the prior year. Many of those classmates from 53 years ago maintain special friendships that have carried over the many years. I was reminded of Stephen Kings words at the end of Stand By Me, after the narrator’s childhood friend had been killed, when he wrote, “Some people come in and out of our lives like busboys in a restaurant. And even though I hadn’t seen Chris in ten years, I will miss him forever. I never had any friends later on like the ones I had when I was twelve. Jesus, does anyone?”

Out of the class of 1960, I have been fortunate to spend time and get to know  a cast of characters and world-class personalities such as John David and Sarah Reed, Gene and Joan Clark, Hank and Luellen Weaver and Kenny and Leagene Jones, all fine people, each and every one. Kenny was a mountain of a man who had excelled at sports from a young age including basketball and football, and golf later in life. When someone I know passes away, I try to find a key moment in memory that I can use as a starting point to bring back other memories, and the one I have for Kenny is a snap shot of who he was a person in every way. I once read that someone’s character can be defined as their actions when no one else is watching. It’s easy to do the right things when other people are looking because that is what you are supposed to do in life based on social norms. But what people do in the quiet, personal moments are the true definition because it speaks to who they truly are.

Ryan Hilligoss and Kenny Jones, Robert Wadlow Golf Course, Alton, Illinois 2007

Ryan Hilligoss and Kenny Jones, Robert Wadlow Golf Course, Alton, Illinois 2007

I was lucky enough to play a round of golf with Kenny, my father and another friend years ago at a golf outing at Rolling Hills golf course in Godfrey, Illinois. Kenny was a tremendous golfer who, with his tall, heavy, muscular frame, could hit a ball a country mile and do it with a smile on his face at the knowledge he had hit a perfect ball. Perfection is not something most of us come into contact on a regular basis, but Kenny was a perfect golfer that day and we enjoyed ourselves immensely with a lot of laughs throughout the day. And he was humble enough to give me kind words when I hit my prototypical bad shot on every hole and tell me to keep playing and not worry about it, saying things like, “You are ten times better than your dad. Look at him, he’s terrible.” All this was his way of deftly taking the pressure off of me and allowing me to just enjoy the day.

On the 8th hole, with just us three teammates watching, I witnessed a real athlete at work. I saw Kenny hit a perfect shot, the best one I have seen in person. We were about 30 yards off the green to the right. Playing in a best ball format, the three others of us hit our shots, badly I must say but par for us, as Kenny watched on to see how the ball bounced and rolled, with his hand resting on a club head in his bag. Being the best of the group, he was always the last to hit. And after watching us, Kenny calmly stepped up to his ball with a pitching wedge, took one small practice swing, lined up his feet and swung in a perfect arc. The ball landed softly on the green ten feet from the hole on a perfect line and rolled slowly to its destination and stopped at the bottom of the cup…clink clink. As the rest of us cheered in amazement, Kenny quietly smiled, shook his head, and said, “Well I guess that’s my one good shot for today.” Having heard stories all my life of Kenny’s various athletic achievements from his youth, I knew that he was just being humble and self-effacing as he had done this countless times in his life and that I had been lucky enough to see it and hold it in my memory.

As we go through life, people leave us and they, being singular, incredible people each and every one of them, cannot be replaced as much as we might try. So we remember their voices, their hands, their laugh, their stories and jokes and all of the memories and shared experiences over the years with fondness. We miss them but we take strength from their memory and rejoice. When the American folk singer and artist Woody Guthrie passed away after years of battling a terrible disease, his family had him cremated and spread his ashes in the ocean surrounding Coney Island which was one of Woody’s favorite places to  swim and relax with his family and friends. The family all gathered on that day, spread his ashes to great wide sea, and then went to Nathan’s Hotdogs for lunch which was one of Woody’s favorite places to dine. When asked why, his wife simply stated that is what Woody would have done if he was there himself. I will carry a lot of memories of Kenny and Leagene with me throughout my life. And I will remember them as kind, decent people who did their best for their family and their friends and left the world a better place for having lived. I will remember Kenny as someone who enjoyed a simple game of golf and every time I play myself, I’ll think of him hitting that perfect chip shot. The perfect shot made in the calm and quiet of a beautiful day with only a few on hand to witness the moment. A microcosm of his life. Thank you Kenny Jones and Leagene Jones, god bless you.

 Coda: Remember Me

 Do not stand at my grave and weep, I am not there I do not sleep

I am a thousand winds that blow, I am the diamond’s glitter on snow

I am the sunlight on ripened grain, I am the gentle autumn’s rain

When you awake in the morning’s hush,

I am the soft uplifting rush, Of quiet birds in circled flight

I am the soft stars that shine at night

Do not stand at my grave and cry, I am not there I did not die

Robert Hilligoss and Kenny Jones, 2002, Godfrey, Illinois

Robert Hilligoss and Kenny Jones, 2002, Godfrey, Illinois

Post Surgery: My Barbaric Yawp

I celebrate myself, And what I assume you shall assume,

For every atom belonging to me as good belongs to you.

I loafe and invite my soul,

I lean and loafe at my ease, observing a spear of grass.

The spotted hawk swoops by and accuses me…he complains of my gab and my loitering.

I too am not a bit tamed…I too am untranslatable,

I sound my barbaric yawp over the roofs of the world.

Walt Whitman, Leaves of Grass

Ryan Barr Hilligoss at Delnor Hospital, Geneva, Illinois, April 2013

Ryan Barr Hilligoss at Delnor Hospital, Geneva, Illinois, April 2013

By Ryan Hilligoss, May 4, 2013

“May you live everyday of your life.” George Eliot

Two weeks ago, I was rushed into the emergency room for life threatening surgery and came out on the other side unharmed and ready for battle. So, much like Walt Whitman, I too celebrate myself today and from here on out, I plan on sounding my barbaric yawp over the rooftops of the world and to live everyday of my life. OK, enough already I hear you say. It wasn’t that bad was it? No, it wasn’t and I may have exaggerated a teensy little bit. I wasn’t rushed to the emergency room for life threatening surgery. Rather, I was driven to the hospital by my lovely wife for a scheduled out-patient surgery for my sinuses. But to me it felt like life or death since in my previous appointment with my surgeon he advised that the risks of operation included death, loss of eyesight or even an eyeball all together, bleeding from the brain, etc etc. You know like little, happy things.

During the entire 45 minute drive to the hospital and on through the check in process and the changing of clothes into the dreaded reverse kimono and meetings with the surgeon and the anesthesiologist, I kept insisting to Kim that I wasn’t feeling well and should just cancel and reschedule for another time, much later in the future. This ploy received no sympathy from my masochistic spouse who would rather see me writhe in pain and dread than allow me the chance to live another day. I was a desperate man on that day and the hospital that day was “angry my friends.” My fears were confirmed by one of my nurses who told me most people don’t get concerned about surgery but the natural human instinct is to be fearful anytime death is possible, fight or flight. See…..I told you so. To say the least, the powerful and commanding Kim was unswayed. Much like the sensei of the Cobra Kai dojo from The Karate Kid, she showed no mercy. I wanted to flee and tried to get up from the cot I laid on even as I was tied down by tubes and lines of every kind and all she did was ‘sweep the leg.’ I even went so far as to act as though I did not know where my wallet was and asked to go check in my jacket that hung in the locker across the hallway. I hadn’t so much as swung my left leg over the side of gurney when she was back by my side, looking down at me with pity in her eyes and a shake of her head. I felt like Ralph Macchio laying on the tournament floor clasping my hands around my wounded knee.

During the surgery, the weather was raging outside, in the midst of one of the worst springs we have seen, and the main power went out and the backup generators kicked in as planned and there were no hitches. But knowing that I was insistent that I was going to die, and knowing that she was the one who refused to let me leave, Kim spent much of that time feeling incredible guilty and worried that some major catastrophe would occur while I laid on the operating table. For obvious reasons, I would not have known any better, but boy wouldn’t she have felt bad if something bad had happened to me?? While my soul was bouncing across the universe, Kim would have been forever forced to introduce herself as the one who had marched her husband to an early grave. She should be forever thankful to Thomas Edison and Commonwealth Edison Power for modern technology and the electricity grid.

Much to my chagrin, the surgery went well, very well compared to some of the horror stories I have heard from friends who had similar surgeries done. Much of this can be explained by my suregoen and ENT doctor Arkadiush Byskosh, MD. B Dog as he likes to be known, OK actually not, I just made that up, is the finest, most caring and professional doctor I have had the experience of meeting in all my years including doctors of my children, spouse, parents, etc. They should cast a bronze model of him to use for all others in the profession as well as taking video of his office nurses in action as they epitomize the proper techniques of medical staff. God bless you Dr. Byskosh. No packing of the sinus cavities for me or major complications. After only two weeks, I feel about 85% healthy and can already tell my breathing is better which will lead to better living and sleep once everything is fully healed.

In the big scheme of things, my surgery was nothing and I am just having a throw, as some people around the globe might say, at my own expense and how ridiculous my mind can be sometimes. Everyday, people all over the world have physical conditions and ailments that keep them from fully enjoying life. Millions of people struggle for food, shelter and clean water on a daily basis and people are killed every second of every day for one reason or another, so I have no reason to complain and have every reason to be grateful for having a good life surrounded my a loving wife, two great kids, father, mother, brothers, uncles, aunts, cousins and caring friends.

Louis CK has a new HBO comedy special entitled, Oh My God, in which he talks about how good we have it here on Earth and how we don’t even recognize it most of the time. He points out that for trillions of miles around us in every direction in space, life sucks to the point where your eyeballs are sucked from your head. But here on Earth, we have water and food and people. And we get to eat bacon and cheese, we get to have friends, and we get to have sex and we get to enjoy an innumerable amount of small things in life that we often times miss because we are busy whining about our lives and feeling sorry for ourselves. Yes, life throughout the universe is non-existent, so I am excited to once again ‘celebrate myself’ and the life I have and to enjoy it everyday and to sound my mighty yawp, like a sweaty toothed mad man, across the rooftops of the world. YAWP…YAWP…YAWP!!!!!!!

 

Airborne Toxic Event: Timeless

Timeless, Airborne Toxic Event EP 2013

Timeless, Airborne Toxic Event EP 2013

By Ryan Hilligoss, March 13, 2013

The Airborne Toxic Event, Timeless EP, Island Records

Rating: 4 1/2 gold records on the wall

“Elvis fell apart with grief when Gladys died. He fondled and petted her in the casket. He talked baby talk to her until she was in the ground. It seems fairly certain that Glady’s death caused a fundamental shift at the center of the King’s world view. She’d been his anchor, his sense of security. He began to withdraw from the real world, to enter the stage of his own dying.” White Noise, Don DeLillio

In 2011, The Airborne Toxic Event released their second album, All At Once, and the title track serves as a microcosm of the band’s sound, fervor, lyrical content and musical purpose. Standing as a musical metaphor for life, the song begins quietly with an uptempo guitar click clacking away like a clock passing time with keyboards lightly undercutting lead vocalist Mikel Jollett singing:

We were born without time/Nameless in the arms
Of a mother, a father, and God
When the world would wait for us/A thousand years in the crush
Of our eyes, fearless, in awe/So quietly we’d fade into sleep
With nothing on our mind

And then, just as in the struggle of life he describes, the song takes off with a galloping, pounding drum beat and bass line, the music moving along rapidly propelling us along just as in life, ‘wishing for more time’ but just wasting our opportunities. In the third verse as the waters rise around us the rhythm builds and builds as the drummer smashes the cymbals over and over, Jollett sings:

We get old all at once/And it comes like a punch
In the gut, in the back, in the face/When it seems someone cried
And our parents have died
Then we hold onto each other in their place
Yeah, I feel the world changin’ all at once/ I guess it’ll be OK

With the final verse, the tempo and levels slow and grow smaller as ‘we all hope that someone was looking down as we return our bodies to the ground.’ It started soft and quiet just as in childhood before we understand the concepts of time and mortality, goes crashing through the bulk of the song in a mad dash to the quiet end. Jollett as lyricist and the band seem to have a deft, great feel for the fears that we all have but most people and musicians refuse to address or even acknowledge.

The band has released a four song EP, Timeless, as a precursor to the April 16 release of their third album, Such Hot Blood. The four tracks released will be included in the full album and include The Secret, Timeless, The Storm and Safe and play as an epic take on the same themes that have run through all of their work; topics of life,the passing of time, love lost and found, and the pain, wonder and puzzlement that is human existence. The band consists of Jollett on guitar and vocals, Steven Chen on lead guitar, Noah Harmon on bass, Darren Taylor on drums and Anna Bulbrook on viola and vocals. They often also use orchestration of some level to add strings and backing heft. The overall sound is that of a 21st century Phil Spectoresque ‘wall of sound’ with Jollett’s vocals reminding me somewhat of a plaintive Adam Duritz of Counting Crows but with more soul and muscle ala Bruce Springsteen.

The Airborne Toxic Event

The Airborne Toxic Event

Springsteen’s influence can be heard in the big, full sound that fills in the spaces when needed but often packs a rock hard punch, and that is no coincidence. In a recent Rolling Stone interview by Steve Baltin, Jollett says he watched recent documentaries on the making of Springsteen’s classic and learned some necessary lessons on artistry. Born To Run and Darkness on the Edge of Town albums. (The movies Wings For Wheels and The Promise, respectively, are both fine films made by Thom Zimny and well worth the investment in time and attention for those interested in the process of artistic production, whether you are a fan of Springsteen or not). Jollett says,  “I asked myself, ‘What would Bruce Springsteen do?’ If you want to do something that’s important, you can’t fake it. I remember thinking, ‘You can do a lot more: you can learn to play piano for real, you can learn to sing for real, you can take what you know about songwriting and forget it and then remember it. You can learn other forms, you can rewrite your lyrics 20 times so they’re exactly right. So yeah, it was a choice to try and grow and to push to grow.”

The band takes their name from the above quoted novel, White Noise, which focuses on college professor Jack Gladney, teacher of Hitler studies at a small liberal arts school, and his family. Jack and wife Babette live their lives with a soul crushing fear of death with such force that Babette prostitutes herself with a drug manufacturer rep to obtain a test drug called Dylar in the hopes to treat her fear. The book is split into three acts, the second of which is The Airborne Toxic Event in which an industrial accident unleashes a black chemical cloud that floats over their city and forces Jack and Babette to confront their fears. Jack describes the cloud as ‘ a towering black mass like a shapeless growing thing, a dark breathing thing of smoke.’

That black mass forms again with the EP’s four songs and may possibly form the “four corners” of the full album once it’s released. The four corners represent the sequence of songs used with vinyl LPs  and would have been the first and last songs of each album side. In many cases, the four corners of the album formed the foundation of the artist’s and the album’s musical, lyrical and meaning in content. This EP starts with The Secret, with siren-like keyboard sending out a warning or distress signal with Bulbrook’s viola adding a counter measure with a driving bass line underneath as Jollett sings:

The sound of the engine/The feel of the tires

Your hands on the rail/The smell from the tires

Streetlights and headlights on a road that goes nowhere

She left you she left you/But you know she’s still out there

And somehow it always seems/Like you were waiting for something

But the secret’s out now

The secret may be out now in the song, but I am still trying to decipher what that secret is: who was driving that car that left the narrator behind, where are the fires and what is burning, where did she go, what is the something he’s been waiting for and what is the secret?

In Timeless, the narrative continues as the same “she” disappears into the darkness and the spurned lover can still feel her spirit in the room. The narrator wonders ‘what is this whole in my heart that I cannot abide.’ Jollett sings:

I wish that our lives are just endless/’Cause it’s all too short and I’m leaving soon

I want to hold onto all the people I lost/I want to keep them with me/ We would never part

We are timeless/We are, we are timeless, timeless/Everything we have, oh my god

I feel like I could live forever with you, my love

It’s  like their lives were over/Before they had even begun

Like many of their songs, the tempos, levels and sound arrangements perfectly match the lyrics and vocals and build the narrative and meaning of the songs. On this one, it starts with a mellow sound but builds throughout the song and goes into a funky bridge with heavy guitar chords backed by matching orchestration that works well as the drums crash and fade out.

In The Storm, the missing lover comes back in the door after 25 days, or 25 weeks, or 25 months and announces they are here to stay and the worst of the storm is over. The actual amount of time is unclear because the road opens before the narrator and goes on forever so the concept of time doesn’t really exist and speaks to the heart of many of their songs. The final track of the EP, Safe, is replete with Springsteenesque influences, and I was left with the feeling that this is an updated, 21st century version of Thunder Road as it opens with a Roy Bittan like piano line, tinkling away as Bulbrook’ viola sways lightly in the background. I imagine Springsteen’s Mary on the front porch as the screen door slams and the driver asks her to get into the car but advises that the ride, it ain’t free.

It was early for summer/All the people and the music from the bar

You in your grey dress/Your arm on the window/You said what’s the difference

Just say it to me, just say it to me

Let’s not make it a thing, it’ll be ok babe

The tempo speeds up quickly with the viola rapidly calling out as a siren, the drums ticking away the time just like Al Jackson’s drums on Otis Redding’s Try A Little Tenderness, and the guitar and bass clashing together as the drama builds and the two lovers decide if they will take that ride together. Then Bulbrook begins singing in a haunting, ghostly fashion, “Do you really want to hear it, did you really think this was real?” Jollett sings back that they can’t slow down now since it’s not safe for travel. Finally, they get to an unknown location and arise from the car and “she” leaves her bag in the backseat and he sees that as a sign of love and confirmation of his hopes. Act four of the drama has come to an end, but questions abound for characters and listeners alike.

In The Promised Land, one of Springsteen’s penultimate songs that encapsulates much of his career’s intent, his character faces down the storm of life as he watches ‘a black cloud rising from the desert floor and packs his bag and heads straight into the storm.’ Airborne Toxic Event faces that storm of life and death with each album and each song with pride, strength and determination, and I highly anticipate the release of the completed album so I can hear them do it again with ‘Such Hot Blood.’

Selected videography and notes

More than coincidence: Airborne Toxic Event’s debut album, self titled and released in 2009, contains a bonus track entitled The Girls In Their Summer Dresses which is very close in title to Springsteen’s Girls In Their Summer Clothes released on Magic in 2007.

Airborne Toxic Event bio page

Lincoln The Movie: Weariness Has Eaten At My Bones

By Ryan Hilligoss, November 2012

“My brother need not be idealized, or enlarged in death beyond what he was in life; to be remembered simply as a good and decent man, who saw wrong and tried to right it, saw suffering and tried to heal it, saw war and tried to stop it. Those of us who loved him and who take him to his rest today, pray that what he was to us and what he wished for others will some day come to pass for all the world. As he said many times, in many parts of this nation, to those he touched and who sought to touch him: ‘Some men see things as they are and say why. I dream things that never were and say why not.” Edward Kennedy in his eulogy to brother Robert F Kennedy, June 1968.

Abraham Lincoln Memorial, Washington DC

Since Abraham Lincoln’s death in April of 1865, no other person in American history, or world history perhaps, has been more enlarged in death beyond what he was in life. Many scholars claim that Lincoln has had more books and words written about him than any other person in history, only behind Jesus, George Washington and Napoleon Bonaparte. Well, here are a few more words, written by two boys from the Land of Lincoln.

The above photo speaks volumes to what has happened to Lincoln since his death. He has been turned into a world-class icon, symbol of justice, freedom and righteousness, and a demigod. Like a greek deity,  literally chiseled in granite, he sits in his own temple high on the mountaintop gazing over the nation. And how could it not since probably more than any other, Abraham Lincoln’s life stands as testament to the possibilities of this country. Lincoln himself said, “I happen temporarily to occupy this big White House. I am living witness that any one of your children may look to come here as my father’s child has.”

Abraham Lincoln as a boy reading by firelight

On February 12, 1809, he was born in a one room log cabin in the rural wilderness of Kentucky in Hardin County to Thomas and Nancy Lincoln. His father quickly moved to the backwoods of Indiana, partially to remove his family and farm from the slavery environment which Thomas thought he could never compete against slavery plantations with their free labor. When he was nine, Abraham’s mother died of milk poisoning. Thomas Lincoln left his two young children alone to fend for themselves to survive the harsh conditions of wintry Indiana while he went off to find a new wife. The two children barely survived the arduous conditions but were greeted the following spring by the return of his father who had married Sarah Bush Lincoln, a widow with three children of her own. Abraham quickly took to his step mother and thrived emotionally and intellectually under her attentions including literacy. Abraham attended school sporadically due to both a lack of rural schools and his father’s need for him to work on the farm. Lincoln often claimed he worked with an axe cutting wood everyday of his life from between the ages of four and twenty-five. He was self-taught and read every book he could beg or borrow from neighbors including the King James Bible, Aesop’s Fables, Robinson Crusoe and Ben Franklin’s Autobiography. Thomas Lincoln moved his family to Illinois and Abraham helped his father build another log cabin near Charleston, Illinois.

Thomas Lincoln homestead and log cabin, Coles County, Illinois, near Charleston

Twice, he barely avoided death, once being kicked in the head by a horse and secondly, nearly drowning while crossing a flood swollen creek. At the age of twenty-two, Lincoln ‘lit out for the territories’ seeking his own stake in the world and floated down the Sangamon River and ended up in New Salem, Illinois, twenty miles from Springfield. From there, he quickly rose from the squalor of abject poverty by owning a general store, serving as captain in the Illinois militia during the Black Hawk War, self-learning the law and passing the bar, and serving in the Illinois State Assembly while developing a successful law office in Springfield.

The Rail Splitter, young Abraham Lincoln

But as a native-born son of Illinois, the Land of Lincoln as it says on our license plates, I can attest to a slightly more intimate relationship with Old Abe, the Rail Splitter. For I have travelled in his footsteps, both knowingly and simply by perchance in living my life in all it’s stages. I was born in Springfield, Illinois and have spent a good amount of time over my lifetime in that city, home of the Abraham Lincoln Presidential Library and Museum, the national Park Service Lincoln Home, the old state capitol in which Lincoln served and debated, and the Lincoln Tomb and Memorial. I was raised and went to school in the Mississippi River town of Alton, Il, site of one of the famous Lincoln Douglas debates of 1858. Alton was also the location of Lincoln’s “victorious” duels.

In 1842, James Shield’s the Auditor of the state of Illinois, confronted Lincoln at a local tavern in Springfield about a series of “Letters to the Editor” in the Sangamon Journal, which were signed by Rebecca.  Shields accused Mary Todd of writing the letters which impugned his reputation.  Lincoln brushed Shields aside by proclaiming that he had written said letters.  Shields challenged Lincoln to a duel.  Lincoln tried his best to convince Shields that dueling was unreasonable, asking him to “belly up to the bar, and settle this through conversation.”  Shields insisted, a date and place agreed upon, dueling was illegal in Illinois.  The duel was to occur on the Missouri side of the Mississippi River, on Sunflower Island.  They may have ridden the same train to Alton, and again Lincoln tried to appeal to Shields’ common sense and to call the duel off.  Shields refused.

They rowed out to Sunflower Island and when Lincoln was asked as to his choice of weapons, he surprisingly chose broadswords.  Lincoln took his sword and went beneath a maple tree where he commenced to warm-up, swing the heavy sword as a well experience rail-splitter would, sending leaves, twigs, and branches flying in every direction.  Shields stood by watching Lincoln’s pre-duel antics, and was struck by the fact that Lincoln had an obvious advantage. Shields approached Lincoln, advised he had reconsidered and decided that just maybe “they should return to Alton, find an agreeable saloon, and settle their disagreeable argument over a drink.  Lincoln agreed.

During our college years, we both attended Eastern Illinois University in Charleston, Illinois. We once visited the Lincoln Homestead south of town and travelled the same roads as Lincoln did, he on horseback, us in an automobile riding in quiet, smooth comfort.  Lincoln rode by horseback through the same fields our family plowed while serving as a prairie lawyer. Twice a year for 16 years, 10 weeks at a time, he appeared in county seats in the mid state region when the county courts were in session. Lincoln handled many transportation cases in the midst of the nation’s western expansion, particularly the conflicts arising from the operation of river barges under the many new railroad bridges. As a riverboat man, Lincoln initially favored those interests, but ultimately represented whoever hired him. His reputation grew, and he appeared before the Supreme Court of the United States, arguing a case involving a canal boat that sank after hitting a bridge. In 1849, he received a patent for a flotation device for the movement of boats in shallow water. The idea was never commercialized, but Lincoln is the only president to hold a patent. Our paternal family came from the farms of northern Coles County, many living in and around the small town of Humboldt, Illinois. During a return trip to Springfield, after visiting his stepmother south of Charleston in the early 1850’s, Lincoln stopped in Humboldt, Illinois to have an aching tooth looked at by Dr. Wampler.  Dr. Wampler extracted the tooth and Lincoln went on his way.

Prairie Lawyer Abraham Lincoln, 1850


Walking the same sidewalks and streets he walked in Springfield, driving the same roads he travelled in Coles County and being from the same area gives one a little sense of what he was like and his personal background, the terrain of his character. So, he seems a little more real and of the land than perhaps someone from another country visiting our nation’s capitol and taking in his marble visage at the memorial on the mall. Each and every one of us has defining moments in our lives. Moments that in a split second, strike with a clarity and the power of lightning which you carry for the rest of your lives. One of my moments concerned Lincoln and proved that he was just a man. A man who was not adored and revered by all as I had incorrectly assumed. He was a real man, loved my many and hated by many. A man filled with the same frailties and failings of humanity as the rest of us, not some deep voiced spirit from on high.

While on a road trip with my father, brother and cousin, we visited the Gettysburg national battleground and cemetery in southeastern Pennsylvania. We also did some shopping in the myriad gift shops around town (There’s nothing quite like seeing a Chevrolet Auto dealer sitting next to Civil War monuments. Although I always thought US Grant was a Ford man). After walking into a store, I overheard the owner tell a customer that as a southerner, she was glad Lincoln was shot and killed as a repayment for all the crimes he had committed against the south. To say the least, I was stunned, dumbfounded and shocked to my core because of all the meanings inherent in that statement. This explains part of what happened shortly thereafter. There had been a Civil War battle reenactment going on that week on the same fields that thousands had died upon back in 1863, so there were reenactors in full battle gear and dress walking the streets. As we drove through town on our way home, four confederate soldiers were walking down a sidewalk, and in a fit of rage brought on by the store owner, I rolled my window down, stuck my head through the opening and yelled at the flabbergasted actors, “The south lost you assholes, get over it!!!!!!”

Daniel Day-Lewis as Abraham Lincoln

The Movie: 5 Stars Out of 4(Yes, you read that right)

More recently, our nation’s finest president has been shown to have been an earthly manifestation again and brought to life before our eyes in Steven Spielberg’s superlative movie, Lincoln. Lincoln is portrayed by modern-day shape shifter, Daniel Day-Lewis, who has a habit of living and breathing in character, on and off the set during a project, much like Robert Deniro did when he gave a damn, ie as Jake Lamotte in Raging Bull. The movie has a great script by Tony Kushner. Great acting all around including David Straitharn as Secretary of State William Seward, Sally Fields as long-suffering Mary Todd Lincoln, Joseph Gordon-Levitt as Robert Todd Lincoln and James Spader as a 19th century political consultant brought in to procure badly needed votes in the House of Representatives.

Kushner, the writer of Angels in America and Munich among many others, originally wanted to write a biopic on the 16th president’s entire life, but he and Spielberg realized it would be nearly impossible to film such a project, instead focuses the script on the four months in 1865 between the passage of the 13th amendment, the end of the Civil War and Lincoln’s assassination. He uses Doris Kearns Goodwin’s Team of Rivals as the basis for much of the film. The 13th amendment abolished slavery and indentured servitude, except as punishment for a crime. Lincoln had issued the Emancipation Proclamation in 1863, but it was issued as an executive order and did not carry the legal authority to abolish slavery in itself, only prohibiting slavery in the confederate states. Lincoln and many others wanted to make the measure permanent and sought constitutional remedy through the amendment.

There were three scenes in the film that clearly allow the viewer to see Lincoln at some of his most humanistic, personal and intimate moments. All three involve his young son Thomas, better known as Tad, and all three come at critical moments in the film and in the story. And that is why I give the film more stars than possible. No only is it a great film made possible by fine actors, great writing, directing, cinematography, music score, etc. But in addition, Day-Lewis, and by extension Spielberg, breathes fresh life into a man who has been canonized all around the world. This Lincoln walks straight out of the history books and off his lofty perch, and we see him as he was in life talking to his cabinet members, joking and telling stories with young soldiers in the war room and riding in a buggy with his wife talking of all the places they would travel once they retired from public office.

Abraham Lincoln and son Thomas, Tad, 1865

One of the opening scenes shows 12-year-old Tad sitting by a fire in his room in the White House looking at photographs, taken by famous Civil War photographer Mathew Brady, of slave children. One shows two young African boys, roughly the same age as Tad, standing together in chains, with the price of $700 at the bottom of the frame. While thinking this over in his mind, Tad falls asleep on the rug amongst his toys, and soon after, father Abraham enters the room, kneels down and sweeps away the toys and lays down next to his sleeping son and gazes at his face. He soon wakes the boy who, after rising, climbs up his father’s back for a piggyback ride down the hallway.

As the second act unfolds amidst the drama of the 13th amendment being debated in the House assembly, father and son sit in a quiet room in the White House in a rocking chair together reading a book. The sunlight cascades through the window and curtains bathing the two of them in a heavenly, timeless light. If the viewer closed their eyes, they could picture this scene in their mind as having been lifted right out of a photograph from that time.

In the final and dramatic act of which every viewer knows the ending, the trilogy of interchanges between son and father comes to a close. Robert E Lee surrendered to General US Grant on April 9th, 1865 at Appomatox, Va, bringing the American Civil War to a close. Five days later, on the night of April 14th, 1865, Good Friday,  Abraham and Mary Lincoln went to see Our American Cousin at Ford’s Theater. Young Tad went to see a different play that same night, Aladdin and the Wonderful Lamp. After the assassination at Ford’s, the news spread quickly through town, and Tad’s play was interrupted with a stage manager announcing the news to an astonished crowd. Upon hearing that his father was shot, Tad broke out into sobs of grief and was consoled by hisassigned escort. In that moment of grief, you can see in that little boy’s face that yes, the nation had lost their president and their leader through the country’s worst times, but this little boy had lost his all too real father.

Once Lincoln passed, Secretary of War, Edwin Stanton, uttered, “Now he belongs to the ages.” (The exact words he said are debatable as some remember him saying, “Now he belongs to the Angels.”) And the country quickly put him onto a pedestal as a revered gift from above. But, as for Tad and Robert, they would miss their father, and Mary would miss her husband. Later, Tad stated on the death of his father, “Pa is dead. I can hardly believe that I shall never see him again. I must learn to take care of myself now. Yes, Pa is dead, and I am only Tad Lincoln now, little Tad, like other little boys. I am not a president’s son now. I won’t have many presents anymore. Well, I will try and be a good boy, and will hope to go someday to Pa and brother Willie, in heaven.”

Abraham Lincoln draped in flag

Coda

Near the end of the movie, there is an indelible scene between Lincoln and US Grant as they sit on the front porch of a house in Virginia. Lincoln confers with Grant on how to handle the surrender with Lee, and Lincoln also gives his wishes on how to treat the confederate soldiers and to send them home to their families and farms, ‘with malice towards none.’ After speaking,  Grant takes in Lincoln’s features and tells him that he looks like he has aged 10 years since they saw each other last one year ago. Never one to concern himself much with his appearance,  Lincoln chuckles and states, ” Yes, I suppose weariness has eaten at my bones.” Indeed, if you look at pictures from that time, you can see a marked difference in his features between taking office in 1861 and his death four years later. It is as if time accelerated and he took on the weight of the nation during those years. Lincoln would often travel to the Soldiers’ Home in Washington and visit the returning injured soldiers and spend time with them. He would go to the War Room and wait for news of the latest battles and the fatality numbers to pour across the telegraph wire. But more importantly and most stressful, he weighed over every decision on how best to end the war, end the issue of slavery that had and still does plague this nation, and ‘bind up the nation’s wounds.’

Abraham Lincoln, 1865

“With malice towards none; with charity for all, with firmness in the right as God gave us to see the right, let us strive on to finish the work we are in; to bind up the nation’s wounds; to care for him who shall have borne the battle; and for his widow, and his orphan- to do all which may achieve and cherish a just, and a lasting peace, among ourselves, and with all nations.” Abraham Lincoln, second inaugural address, 1865.

Abraham Lincoln’s funeral hearse

Postscript

While watching the movie and in doing some research for this piece, I was reminded several times of Robert Kennedy’s speech on the night of April 4, 1968 and the echoes of Lincoln’s own words and the lasting causes and effects of the Civil War that we still deal with to this day. In 1968, amidst tumultuous times including the war in Vietnam, unrest on college campuses, race riots, and incredible changes in society, Robert Kennedy decided to run for president and began campaigning across the nation. On April 4th of that year, Martin Luther King, Jr was assassinated in Memphis, Tennessee while he stood on the balcony of the Lorraine Motel. Riots broke out across the country in many cities as the news spread. Kennedy had been scheduled to give a speech in Indianapolis that night and heard the news after his plane landed that night. The police department and his advisors warned against him going, but Kennedy, who was never deterred from doing what he thought was the just, proper thing to do, went anyway.

Kennedy delivered the news that night to the crowd, many of whom were not yet aware of the situation, and then gave one of the most touching, decent speeches of his or anyone’s career. His words still ring out today and point to the further decay of our political differences and inability to take action to solve problems facing all of us here in America and around the world. “What we need in the United States is not division; what we need in the United States is not hatred; what we need in the United States is not violence or lawlessness; but love and wisdom, and compassion toward one another, and a feeling of justice toward those who still suffer within our country, whether they be white or they be black.” Below you can watch the entire speech.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=player_embedded&v=_E3-_z5YP0M

By Ryan Hilligoss and Robert Lee Hilligoss

In memory of Dennis Renner, my friend

By Ryan Hilligoss, May 2012

My father in law Dennis Renner passed away May 23, 2012. Below are comments I delivered as a eulogy at his memorial service.

Over the 15 years I knew Dennis, I did a lot of listening to his hunting stories, plans on planting his garden, his latest airplane project he was working on and countless other topics. And over that time, I listened a lot and spoke very little in our conversations, always deferring to the power of his personality and his gift for gab. So, now it is my turn to talk for a time, with the permission of Pat and the family.

After 72 years, what can be said about him that you don’t know or haven’t already heard? I know this, Dennis was a good and decent man who did the best he could with what he was given to live a good life and to provide for his wife and 4 kids and to help his grandchildren as much as he possible. I know this, that the measure of a person can be counted in many ways, but the most important is how they treat others as they go through life. And Dennis Renner treated me like a son and for that I will forever be grateful.

But sometimes, the best way to know someone is to find out about all the small things that make up a person’s life. He loved to watch his kids and grandchildren play sports. He loved to hunt and fish. He always carried a pocket knife in his front pocket and a handkerchief in his back pocket. He read National Geographic and Civil War magazines. He loved to watch old Western movies and countless reruns of Gunsmoke. He was always up for Friday night fish fry or Sunday morning breakfast buffet at the local VFW. Don’t ask me why he did this, but when he ate with a fork, he turned the fork sideways as it entered his mouth. He usually sat on the edge of a chair or couch with his arms crossed over his chest and his hands under his armpits. He loved to sit for hours at a time and work on his remote-controlled model airplanes. When one of his kids fell down and skinned their knee and cried, he would say, “Oh, you’ll be OK, it’s far from your heart.” He collected coins and stamps. He loved to work in his garden planting vegetables. He would go into the post office and shoot the bull with the postal clerk for 15 minutes on the simplest of topics. He made most of the people he encountered on everyday errands feel like they were important and special, because to him they were important. If he did or said something that you didn’t like, he would say in a matter of fact voice, “Well, nuts to you then.” Or else he would put his hand up to his nose and wiggle his fingers.

Speaking of which, I have been speaking for only a few minutes now, and if he were here with us, he would have told me to put a sock it in by now.

Each time someone passes from my life, I like to hold onto a few memories that help me remember them by. So here are a few about him.

The first time I met Dennis was 15 years ago and it was an inauspicious start. Kim and I met while attending Eastern Illinois University and Kim took me to her parents’ home on Anderson Boulevard in Geneva, yes the big house with the neon blue siding, to visit and meet her parents during a weekend trip. When we arrived, Dennis had already gone to bed since he got up so early for his job at the post office so I visited with Pat for a while and then got ready for bed.  After brushing my teeth, I exited the bathroom and there before me stood a grizzled bear of a man standing rather impatiently in his pajamas. And when I say the word pajamas, I use the term loosely as his “pajamas” consisted of an undershirt and underwear. I was rather embarrassed and a little put off to say the least, but being true to his character, he couldn’t possibly have cared less that he was standing in his underwear while meeting his daughter’s boyfriend for the first time. So, in one sense, he and I started out at the bottom, and over the years, we worked our way down from there.

Once he retired from the post office, he got onto a remote control airplane kick. He was very meticulous about his obsessions and this was no different. He ordered a subscription to a model airplane magazine. He got catalogs from many suppliers. He did research at the hobby store for hours at a time. And then very carefully, he ordered just the right plane, painstakingly assembled it in the basement and found a local club at which he could fly his new prized possession. On the very first time he flew the plane, he took the controls, got the plane down the runway and up into the air for a successful flight that lasted roughly 30-60 seconds because as the plane went up he turned to controls to swing it back around for a quick landing, the plane went right into the path of the sun and he became blinded by the sunlight, he lost control and the plane crashed to the ground. Despite the fact that he built several more planes over time, he returned home that day with his tail between his legs and never flew another plane again.

This last one was something straight out of a Three Stooges movie short or a Looney Tunes cartoon. While he was visiting us one day at our home, I told him about a hornet’s nest I had found earlier that day in our backyard along the fence. He of course went straight to the backyard and stuck his proverbial big nose into the hornet’s nest. He looked it over for a few minutes and the decided it was best to knock it down and mash it with his size 12 foot. Now, Dennis being Dennis. he didn’t always think things through and this was a perfect example. After he knocked it down, hornets started to buzz around him and he lit out for safety in a heartbeat. As many of you know, Dennis was a big man and didn’t move very fast, but at that particular moment, I have never seen anyone move as fast as he did. One minute he was standing there by the fence and the next moment he was rushing back to the house in 3 or 4 huge bounding leaps with his belly bouncing up and down with each step. Once he was back to safety and now gasping for breath, being the reflective guy that he was, he said to me, “Maybe that wasn’t such a great idea.”

Despite the facts that he travelled all over the world while serving in the Navy and lived for many years in Geneva, Dennis was a country boy at heart, from start to finish. He often told me stories from when he was a kid of hunting and fishing with his brother and how much he enjoyed just being out in the open, in the fresh air. He hunted and fished his whole life including turkey hunting just last fall in Wisconsin. Much like Captain Ahab from Moby Dick in search of the great white whale, on every hunting trip, he was always on the trail of that ever elusive great turkey that he could bring home and show his family and friends with pride. So, knowing that the outdoors was where his heart lay, and with the fact that Dennis looked a lot like Walt Whitman, I would like to read this excerpt from Walt Whitman’s Leaves of Grass:

I depart as air…

I bequeath myself to the dirt to grow from the grass I love,

If you want to see me again, look for me under your bootsoles

You will hardly know who I am or what I mean,

But I shall bring good health to you nevertheless

Failing to fetch me at first, keep encouraged,

Missing me one place, search another

I stop some where, waiting for you.

As we go through life, we collect a wide assortment of human souls around us, whether they be by blood or friendship, and once they are gone from us, they can never be replaced, no matter how much we try. Dennis was many things in life to many people including a son, brother, husband, father, grand-father, uncle and father in law just to name a few, but what I will miss most is my friend.

So, in summary, I’ll miss his friendship, the force of his nature, his foolishness, his stories, his face, his hands, his humor, his laughter, his love of life, and that ever-present twinkle in his eye. His love and the spirit of his memory will carry on because as long as we’re here and you’re here, then he’s here, at least through the stories, memories and the shared experiences that he loved to do during his time here. So instead of saying goodbye to my friend, I will just say, I’ll see you further on up the road. (Last paragraph contains parts of Bruce Springsteen’s eulogy to his dear friend and E Street Band member, Clarence Clemons)

Hank Says, or, All I Ever Needed to Know I Learned in China

(Editor’s note:  At the age of 70, and in a state of semi-retirement, my father Robert Lee Hilligoss, the original Humboldt, Illinois Tiger, traveled to China for a total of 30 days, with his fellow Mattoon High School alum and  friend, Henry Weaver.  On the way to O’Hare airport prior to departing America for points eat, Bob confessed to being as nervous as he was on his first day of school with Ms. Emily in her one room school-house in Coles County Illinois. Upon his return to America 30 days later, he said that much like Chuck Berry, he was so glad to be right back here in the USA. The following are brief excerpts from the upcoming one man monologue, much like Spalding Gray, sure to be coming to a theatrical venue near you. Check for local listings.)

The Humboldt Tiger goes to the land of the Flying Tigers

By Robert Lee Hilligoss (But we call him B.O.B)

What’s For Dinner? The Ballad of the Uneasy Eater

The food was different from the Chinese cuisine that I get at my local Chinese eatery, the China Star. Most of the food was very good. Some was very foreign to my taste. I found very little to be unacceptable. The one thing that I ate, which I wished I had passed on, was chicken feet. I discovered what my friend Hank had spent a year talking about was the noodles in soup, with meat, to be a delight to eat. Even though I could not manage the art of using chop sticks, there are spoons to be had, but forks are rare. Dumplings with meat or vegetables were delicious.
Surprisingly I was offered very little rice. Fish was good, but bony. They had one dish that reminded me of Buffalo Hot Wings, but they used unbreaded pork. Drinks, water, tea, Coke(with ginger) were always served, hot. I never
saw ice once in China until I boarded flight 850 to return to the states. The first request that I had for stewardess was a diet Coke with plenty of ice.

The Ways of the World : Trains, Planes and….taxis??

Travel by train, taxi or bus, I found to be comparable to train and bus travel in America. The best way to travel between major cities is by far to take a plane. The cost is very reasonable, an hour and 15 minute flight cost about 600 Yuan or $96, the planes are modern and the service staff is very good.

What You Really Need to Know (If you know what I mean)

Prepare yourself for some surprises when it comes to bathroom facilities. There is a thing called an Asian toilet, most Chinese people understand the word toilet. The Asian toilet is basically a hole in the floor, some are metal, some are ceramic. Every hotel I stayed in had a western toilet, but the shower in most have no tub or stall. There is a
drain in the floor below the shower head, and when you take a shower, you flood your bathroom floor, your ceramic tile floor becomes extremely slick and dangerous. The hotels that I stayed in, and the Lemon Hotel in Yan’an
was very acceptable, do not offer a simple wash rag(face towel). You use a hand towel.

I Depended on the Kindness of Strangers; An ode to Blanche Dubois

The most impressive feature that I found in China is the people. They tried to be as helpful as possible. Two young women that Hank and I met in St. Louis in 2010 helped us greatly by drawing up a list of questions written in Chinese. I have save that paper, and it is worn out. Everytime we were having a difficult time due to language, out came the list. It bailed us out several times. If we were having trouble with giving a taxi cab driver directions, a crowd always formed, and people tried to help out.

The people that I met and grew to know were the teachers at Yan’an Shaanxi Middle School(High School). They were top-notch individuals, the kind of persons that would be good neighbors and friends. They are hard workers and are dedicated to their profession of teaching. The students were an exciting group of young people that I enjoyed speaking to, at every opportunity that availed itself. They asked enlightened questions, and tried their best to speak English that was understandable. They were fun and interesting.

In My Life; All Those I Met Along the Way

Walking upon the ancient Great Wall was my greatest thrill. I have to thank Mr. Gao, Mr. Li, Andrew, Mrs. Li U Feng, Paul Prang, Jenny, Michelle, Mrs. Tree, everyone I met at the school for making my 24 days in Yan’an worthwhile. But without the aid of Clair, Veronica, Amy and Michelle, we probably would not have made it out of the Beijing Airport.

Why China? Because Hank Says

After my return, while substitute teaching at New Berlin High School, a student asked as to why I would choose to travel to China. I probably surprised him when I answered safety. The simple fact that there are people in the world that want to see Americans dead because we are Americans, no other reason. I have not heard of one American dying in China as a result of terrorism. The Chinese government knows as to who is in their country and where they are to be found. You buy a ticket for air travel, you present your passport and it is copied. You buy a train ticket, you present your passport. You check into a hotel, you show, guess what—–your passport. They know who is in THEIR country and WHERE you are located. Unlike America, they want to know just who is in country and where they can be found. A high school student in Yan’an asked me as to why I would choose to visit his hometown of Yan’an. I answered that I wanted to see the “real China”, not the post card version for the average tourist. Some of the people of Yan’an saw their first white man with blue eyes, when they saw me for the first time I walked the streets of Yan’an, Shaanxi. There was plenty to see, it centered around the simple fact that Mao Zedong lived in the Yan’an area from 1937 to 1951

Nehau!!!!

Bob flew back to Chicago in March and as we left the airport in Chicago on the way home, I cranked up some Chuck Berry music, as a welcome home and heard the pride of St.Louis, Charles M Berry sing these words:

I feel so good today

We just touched down on an international runway

Jet propelled from overseas right  back into the USA

Looking hard for a drive-in

Searching for a corner cafe

Where hamburgers sizzle on an open grille night and day

And the jukebox is jumping with records like Back in the USA

Uh huh huh, oh yeah…….

Editor’s note: My father, Robert Lee, retired in June of 2011 after teaching, off and on over a course of 47 years, for a total of 35 years in public school classrooms. He began in 1964 in tiny Westfield, Illinois, and then moved on to the metropoli of Divernon and Rochester before taking a 13 year sabbatical to work in the restaurant business before returning to the Divernon Dragons in 1990. During his career, he taught thousands in the classroom and hundreds more on the floor of the basketball gymnasium. He was a teacher and coach, but he taught his students and athletes much more than simply the dates of the Civil War or how to run a three-man weave. He taught them how to be better people. And he continues to teach as evidenced above.

Written by Ryan Hilligoss, March 2012

Mind Droppings and Honor Roll

Mind droppings, quotes of the week and honor roll

– “If I have seen farther than others, it is because I have stood on the shoulders of giants.” Isaac Newton

-“Fuel efficiency- not the availability of a gun rack- is one of the top purchase considerations for all new vehicles. However if accessories for the Volt are that important to Mr. Gingrich, we’ll gladly send him a product brochure.” Chevrolet spokesman Rob Peterson, on GOP presidential hopeful Newt Gingrich criticizing governmental subsidies and the lack of space for gun racks in plug-in electric cars.

-“I am strongly in favor of common sense, common honesty and common decency. This makes me forever ineligible for any public office of trust or profit in the Republic.” HL Mencken.

-” A book is just a stranger talking brilliantly. He’s probably better company than you’ll meet in a saloon. After all, he’s probably sober and giving you the best hours of his day, and he’s forcing you to look at things in a new way and face new experience.” Wilfred Sheed

General Honor roll:

– Jason Cochran.

His 8 year old son was charged with unlawful possession of a gun and third degree after a gun he has placed in his backpack went off at his school and the bullet struck a fellow student. The student is still recovering from her wounds but is expected to have a full recovery. Mr. Cochran stated, ” I just want everyone to know that my kid made a mistake. It was a terrible mistake.” During a difficult time for his son, the innocent bystander and all other involved, Mr. Cochran could have taken the easy out and blamed everyone else but his own son, as many others have done in past in similar situations. Instead, he stepped up and accepted responsibility for his own actions and those of his son.

– Students at Maine West High School, Des Plaines, Il. Families of Stephanie Valusescu, Christian Volkmann and Scott Wolf.

According to a recent story in The Chicago Tribune by Jennifer Delgado, fellow students at Maine West HS have rallied and supported each other as well as the families of the three above students who have all tragically passed away in last year. Volkmann suffered a heart attack, Valusescu died due to complications related to brain cancer and Wolf died earlier this month when he was struck by a vehicle. The  students helped support Volkmann and Valusescu during their times of trouble as well as their families and the students have rallied around each other at each turn.

Last year when the students learned that Valusescu’s condition was worsening and her family was struggling with the medical bills, they raised $18,000 to help. And they also stayed by her side in the hospital as much as possible.

Touchingly, during Volkman’s stay in the hospital after his heart attack last year prior to the school’s homecoming, his friends turned his hospital room into  his own “party” decked with the school colors.

The following is something we all could probably learn something from. Gina Valusescu, Stephanie’s mother, had this to say about the other students at the school, ” There’s a great thing going on at Maine West. When the worst things happen, they show the best of what people can be.”

Attached is a link to the full Trib story.

http://www.chicagotribune.com/news/local/ct-met-maine-west-student-deaths-20120304,0,6420344.story

Personal Honor roll:

– Kimberly Hilligoss- For all that she does for me as a wife, all she does for our kids and our family. Besides  that, she is quite the cook. She really makes cooking fun!!!

– Donna Hilligoss- For being my mom and fighting the good fight.

– Robert Lee Hilligoss- For having the courage to fly to China for a month , sharing his time and thoughts on America with hundreds of hopeful Chinese high school students and climbing the Great Wall. Not too shabby for a 70-year-old retiree originally from little old Humboldt, Il. Hank says……..

– Heather Nelson and Dave Buerstetta- For helping me get my humble, meager blog off the ground. If it weren’t for you two, I would still be pacing the floor and mumbling to myself instead of putting pen to paper….yikes, that is the Luddite in me speaking, rest easy Kurt Vonnegut…… I meant fingers to keyboard.

– Alabama Shakes- Looking forward to your new disc…giving old school soul, R&B a fresh voice.

Bruce Springsteen– For remaining a creative, developing artist who puts out timely, relevant music. For being a 62-year-old performer who still gives it 100% every night and who was willing to live in the moment and climb the rafters at the Apollo Theater last Friday ……onwards to the Land of Hope and Dreams.